i miss him.  today is his birthday.  he was so caring and i really dont like the fact that we arent friends anymore.  i think he has always caught me at bad times and they remind him of his mom and he doesnt like that.  but seriously i wish i could go see him. 

on another note i also miss another boy.  one that i was very close to recently.  but i hurt him.  i didnt even mean to.  seriously i valued what i had with him more than anything.  he has been there for me since 8th fucking grade.  i mean yeah he put me through some hard shit once, but he made up for it so much.  he makes me giggle like a little girl and he makes me actually love myself.  but i can't have him back.  he has told me a million times that he doesnt want to start over.  i can tell him still has feelings for me and he knows i am not over him yet.  he just sits there and dangles it in front of my face.  i feel horrible.

I can't get along with my best friend.  i seriously want to.  i want it to be like old times where we complemented each other.  we could talk for hours on the phone.  when we spent every seond together. but now we just seem so different.  she never thinks about me or invites me to anything.  and i just dont feel like i can talk to her anymore.  it is really unfortunate because there have been a lot of times lately when i really needed to talk and i just can't anymore and that causes me to take out things on myself.  which is not good.

THEME OF THE DAY:

well summer is almost over for me.  the sad thing is i have spent my summer planning what i am going to say to him.  most comments are mean and are meant to make him feel pain.  but some are to tell him how he put me in pain.  my best friend was so mad at him and i thought she was totally against him.  i mean she said she was mad and wouldn't talk to him, but nope, they have been having friendly conversations, carefully avoiding my name.

honestly i dont want to say anything to him.  i either want to kick him in the balls, slap him in the face, and punch his chest repeatedly then run away OR have him embrace me and tell me everything is alright as i cry on his shirt.

this is quite a predicament.  but i can see the future.  we will avoid each other for half the school year.... atleast.  then somehow we will be reunited and i will be stubborn and rude and he wont understand and then i will feel bad.  (which there is no need for by the way)  and we will make nice and things will go back to that not quite platonic relationship we had before.

this sucks.

these are the days that i crawl back into my hole of sorrow

when my best friends don't have time for me

and my other friends forget that i exist

every single wrong that has been done to me becomes a current problem

and i attack myself, wasting the lonely hours with self hate and blame

the days when a happy song comes on i must cover my ears

and go back to sleep when the sun shines in

these are the days i left behind, overcame, and forgot

or so i thought

you can never be too mature for pain or content enough to avoid a bad day

these days are life

how did you fool me again? 

he reeled me in again. again.

he stole my heart again. again.

he told me lies again. again.

he kissed me for the first time.  he lied again.

we made plans again.  again.

he left me again. again.

for another girl.  again.

this time he will pay.  fuck you.

 i didn't know if i could trust him again.  but i did.  what a mistake.  boys never change.  they will screw you over again and again.